


Beginnings (aren't supposed to be this difficult)

by katiekat784



Series: Quotes I Feel In My Bones [3]
Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: Alex just wants to find happiness, But I'm not officailly signed up, Community: fanfic100, Gen, Post Series, a little angsty, and live, inside Alex's mind, spoilers for the whole show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29885442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiekat784/pseuds/katiekat784
Summary: She is Alexandra Udinov again, or for the first time. She's not quite so sure anymore. All she knows is that it's a new part for her to play – because Alexandra Udinov feels like Sasha, like Alex – another role for her to step into. Beginnings weren't always beginnings… and ending weren't always the end. No one knows that fact more than her. She's experienced a dozen beginnings but never actually lived them.Every time Alex has to reinvent herself and the one time she finally figures out who she actually is.
Series: Quotes I Feel In My Bones [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197437
Kudos: 1





	Beginnings (aren't supposed to be this difficult)

**Author's Note:**

> The quote is one of my absolute favourite quotes of all time and it seemed fitting for Alex.
> 
> Prompt 001 Beginnings

" _We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." – Kurt Vonnegut_

* * *

Beginning - definition

I) a rudimentary stage or early period —usually used in plural  
II) just starting out  
III) the point at which something begins

* * *

1.0

She's little Alexandra, naïve Alexandra who – like any other thirteen year old – knows that there are bad people in the world, things that go bump in the night. It's not that the people in her life are dumb… it's just that she's smart. She knows more than they tell her, more than they think she does. No one pays attention to the young girl in line for her papa's empire… not yet anyway. They all move around her like she's not there, like she's simply invisible. She doesn't mind though. She does what her papa's always told her to do, observe her surroundings and store it away. After all, one never knows what information might be useful later on. Sometimes she wonders if everyone's father is like hers but then scolds herself because she knows the answer to that already. She's aware – or at least she believes she knows – of the dangers of the outside world, of the bad things that happen outside the gates of her home. But it's okay because her papa is there. He takes care of her and makes sure all the bad things can never hurt her… except. She's not stupid, she knows that her papa isn't a saint but he's not a bad man. He's not one of the bad people she needs protection from. Right?

1.1

She's fourteen now. Sasha doesn't have a last name. She barely even has a first name, just a body. She's still so young but far from innocent now... So far from naïve. Not her choice but still the truth. It's a new beginning, her life Is not her own anymore. She has no choices, no options but to live – she scoffs at the thought because this cant be considered living – the life of the broken girl in her body. This is who she is now, and it is not okay. When she's alone with her thoughts, she dreams. She imagines that this isn't who she was meant to become, that there's another life out there waiting for her. She thinks that someday, she'll be able to start over… a new beginning. Because this can't be it, this isn't how the story of her life is supposed to start.

1.2

She fifteen now, both all grown up and yet still nothing more than a child. She escapes Vlad and that brothel and that life. She is finally free. Finally, on her own. Except, she's really not. This is a new beginning but the parts from her past still drag her down, still prevent her from experiencing a true beginning. She's hooked on smack – or rather anything that lets her forget her reality – and doesn't know how she's going to survive past the next day. This can't be her fresh start. This can't be her second chance… not when her previous lives are constantly haunting her new life, constantly making sure she can never escape.

1.3

She's seventeen now, she's accepted that this is new life, her new beginning until… Nikita finds her. Nikita saves her – both from the past versions of herself and from life itself – and she truly believes that this has to be it. This is finally who she's supposed to be. Except she doesn't know who she even is anymore. The young heiress, the sex slave, the junkie, the double agent, the recruit. There are so many versions of herself, so many broken echoes of lives not truly lived that drift in her mind everyday that it becomes too much sometimes. She's never sure which one is the right one to expose – because no matter which one she chooses, she's always exposed – and when. She can't tell which one is the real her anymore. Or if there even was a real version of herself to begin with. And the longer she's in this life, the more she finds herself adding a new version to that always expanding list. And it gives her a headache because she's aware that if she shows the wrong version of herself then everything might end. And it can't end because this is supposed to be the beginning.

2.0

She feels like all the parts in her life that she's been trying to juggle have slipped from her hands and crashed by her feet. She briefly wonders if all twenty year olds have this feeling but then shakes the thought away. Nikita's betrayed her, the one person who knew every version of herself – even when she can't figure that out herself somedays – has lied to her. She's spinning out of control because she doesn't know what to do now. Except, she knows that she needs to create yet another beginning for herself. She thinks that it should be over, that reinventing herself shouldn't be on her to do list anymore. But here she is, working with Amanda, trying to bring down Sergei Semak and Nikita… She doesn't want to bring her down, she honestly doesn't know if she can. The other versions of herself certainly couldn't. But she's not them anymore. This is a new beginning for her. This version of herself will do anything to bring down Sergei. This version of herself was betrayed by her mentor, her best friend and she's in pain. This version of herself breathes only for revenge. Only in the depths of her mind can she admit that maybe she's not so sure she likes this beginning.

2.1

She is Alexandra Udinov again, or for the first time. She's not quite so sure anymore. All she knows is that it's a new part for her to play – because Alexandra Udinov feels just like Sasha, like Alex – another role for her to step into. She knows she's being used, that Amanda has other plans but it feels so good to step out into the world and be known. Because they all think they know her. A former heiress turned sex slave turned back into an heiress. It is easier to step into the lie when everyone else believes it too. Except it's not a lie, well not a total lie… but it's not the truth either. And she should know by now that no matter how many new beginnings she steps into, they're always going to be bathed in half lies and almost truths. Alexandra Udinov is still out for revenge. Sergei Semak is still breathing, and she knows that she can't get to her middle if he's still alive because killing him completes this part of her journey. The rest… well she's never been good at thinking about her future – she never thinks she'll get there anyway –she'll figure out after.

2.2

Alexandra Udinov has taken back her birthright… and given it away. She got retribution for her papa, her mother is alive – her mother is alive! – and safe but yet… it's not enough. She cannot live yet. She's stuck, she's powerless again and she hates it because Amanda was right, Nikita was right. This version of herself is different, is thirsty for revenge. She can try and hide her fears and deny them but she's an addict. She has been clean for so long now but her addiction has been replaced with another one, the need for blood. She accused Nikita all that time ago of her revenge against Division consuming her. But now she knows that it's done the same to her. It's why she can't escape and be happy with her mother on a little island. It's why Sean – that damn guilt is always gnawing at her– and her wouldn't have been able to leave and live a normal life. Normal is something she can never be – she doesn't even long for normalcy anymore – she is in this fight. But more pressingly, she wants to be in this fight. It's part of the reason she let go of Zetrov. She never really wanted it. Even as a child – those memories feel like six lifetimes ago – little Alexandra didn't really want it. She would've done it though, for her papa. Even now, the emotions it stirs within her, the thoughts of a different life path for her are sometimes too much for her to think about. Besides, she's already become half a dozen people by now, she doesn't need to add another tragic woman to that list… But yet she does. A part of her aches for the life she can never be a part of… Zetrov, her family's legacy. The life she could've – would've – had. Sometimes, when she's trying to figure out which broken life she's experienced is really her, she thinks about her papa and the woman he would've wanted her to become. And that she thinks that maybe – probably – he'd be a little disappointed – disgusted – at the person she is now… even thought she really couldn't tell you who that hell that woman is. And she knows that it needs to stop. That these versions of her need to find a way to coexist or she will break. Because she needs to find out who she is. She needs to figure out the life she wants to lead because she needs to continue. She needs to move forward and that can't happen until she stops existing and actually begins to live.

3.0

Alexandra Udinov still lives…but so does Alex and little Alexandra and even Sasha. They are all her, all parts of her beginning. And it's taken this long to figure out that she could never start her journey until she learned to accept that. She's taken the very best and the very worst parts of each false start she's lived and molded them together to create this version of herself. The true beginning of the rest of her life.

In this version of her – the final version – the world knows about Alexandra Udinov who's the heiress of Zetrov. But she's not just that anymore. This version of her lets her change the world without the consuming need for revenge. Alexandra Udinov is making a difference, saving people's lives. And she doesn't need to hide parts of herself – or look at them in disgust – to do it anymore because the world also knows of her time as Sasha, the powerless sex slave who has an addiction to drugs. And her friends, the people she loves most in the world know about Alex, the determined, troubled woman trying to figure out where she belongs in the world. And yet some part of her is still –she can still feel in her soul – little Alexandra, wanting to explore the vast world outside of the gates of her home. The little girl, looking up at her papa with wonder and excitement at what's out there, is still a part of who she is now.

Every version of herself has led her here and she almost cries – she does cry sometimes – at the fact that this exhausting part is over. This time when she introduces herself, it's as Alex Udinov – little Alexandra and even Sasha are always implied when she presents herself – and she smiles. Because she knows that this is it. This is finally the beginning of her life. And it's exhilarating and terrifying and everything it should be. Because beginning's hold so much possibility and she's had her whole life to think of ways to live in it. And it starts now.

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, what was supposed to be just a short drabble had a mind of its own. I always found all the people she's had to become in order to survive so interesting. Throughout the time we see her (and the times we don't) she's had to reinvent herself so much. I wanted to explore what kind of toll all those different versions of her have on her mind because it seems like it would be a challenge to live all those lives but yet still be unable to find who you actually are. Anyways, thanks for reading and thoughts are always welcome.


End file.
